hey there, yep i'm still alive. (Marcus the avid reader, here's your post!)

life's been uh..okay. my time's been spent on traveling to school, traveling home, regretting my choice of course, hating my class, and well, sleeping and eating. i've been feeling very lost too. i wonder how long it's gonna take to feel purposeful and excited about life. how long will i stay this way?

feeling so floaty made me realize how different i am. or weird. you know how the world always say stuff like "you're unique and special." but it's another thing when it comes to whether the world or people accepts you or your differences. it's 12:04AM now so i doubt i'm making any sense. it's just, i'm tired of feeling weary and battered and deprived of sleep. i'm tired of people asking me to talk to people. i'm tired of not being able to talk to people. i'm tired of being stuck in the same old place every day. i'm tired of not being in the same class as all my friends (gosh i miss all of you i promise i can cry right now.) i'm tired of walking around in circles. i'm tired of sitting on trains and buses and never going anywhere. and i'm sick of hating my modules and my classmates. i'm tired of being tired. people may say they listen but they never fully understand or ever truly listen.

i'm tired of being different. sometimes i just wish i could live in Mars or Venus instead of Earth. sometimes perhaps it's not so good being human. sometimes maybe it wouldn't hurt for people to be less complicated. and sometimes just sleeping forever may be for the better.

(sorryy marcus, for such a melancholy post! there's quite a lot going on in myself lately, and i'm still trying to figure out how to behave like a proper human. i promise a better post when i'm feeling better!)

 Hello just to let you know i'm still alive and breathing.

1. Name one song that reminds you of an ex.
-Uh Breathe, Taylor Swift.

2. Where is your default picture taken?
-Lol weheartit.

3. What's your middle name?
-Don't have one.

4. Care about someone?
-Hmm i care about quite a number of people.

5. Honestly, does your crush like you back?
-Honestly, no):  shoot me now.

6. What's your current mood?
- Lazy and tired.

7. What color underwear are you wearing?
-*checks*  blue LOL.

8. What makes you happy?
-Seeing people happy, the rain, a mug of coffee/tea/chocolate, music, flowers, the universe and silence.

9. Where are you right now?
-In my bedroom.

10. If you could go back in time, when would that be?
-Uh probably..i don't think i want to.

11. Something you do when you're nervous?
-Hyperventilate.

12. What's the name of the song stuck in your head right now?
A Happy Place, Katie Melua.

13. When was the last time you cried?
-Probably about 2 weeks ago in cell.

14. Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
-Yes, during worship.

15. If you could have one super power what would it be?
-Whoa toughie. Cupid HAHA.

16. First thing you notice about the opposite sex?
-Eyes, hands.

17. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
-Raspberry blackcurrent frap, or caramel macchiato.

18. Favorite colors?
-Navy and red.

19. When was the last time you lied?
-Uh i can't really recall.

20. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
-Yes! DISNEY FTW.

21. What are you drinking or eating at the moment?
-Hot chocolate!

22. Do you speak any other language?
-Uh a little bit of Japanese, one phrase in Hungarian, one phrase in Spanish, a few words of Italian, one greeting in French, a little bit of Cantonese and Hokkien.

23. What's your favorite smell?
-Fresh warm cookies, or flowers.

24. If you could describe your life in one word, what would it be?
-Mundane.

25. When was the last time you gave/received a hug?
-Two weeks ago! I need a hug):

26. Have you ever been kissed in the rain?
-Haha nope.

27. What are you thinking about right now?
-Sleep.

28. What should you be doing?
-Studying. Papers on marketing tomorrow):

29. What was the last thing that made you upset/angry?
-Uh i can't remember.

30. Do you like working in the yard?
-I don't have a yard. Do i like working? Hell no.

31. If you could have any last name in the world, what would you want it to be?
-Brooks haha.

32. Do you act differently around a crush? 
-Not really...

33. What are you listening to right now?
-Rolling in the deep, Adele.

I want to fade into oblivion. 

 ATELOPHOBIA: The fear of imperfection, of not being good enough.

I realized that so many people i know are atelophobic (if there's ever such a word). I'm guilty of this too. We're all slaves to the fear of not being good enough, and we find ourselves limiting ourselves into a little box because we don't see our capabilities and potential.
Just a few hours ago, i read this somewhere and it stayed with me: "You've got to learn to select your thoughts the same way you select your clothes everyday." That's our problem. We feel that we are not good enough, not pretty enough, not slim enough, not muscular enough, not clever enough, not tall enough, too tall, our hair is too frizzy, our brows are too thick. We are all afraid of what we look like, and what impression we give to others. Especially to the opposite gender. Everybody wants to feel accepted, special and significant to somebody. We all want to feel loved, and to love others.

For me personally, i've been struggling with the feeling of inferiority for the longest of time. I grew up in this wonderful family, and i really have nothing to complain about. But well, my sister and I are so different so i suppose you could start to understand how i felt like an underling. If it still isn't clear enough then let me elaborate. My sister, she has dark skin, black long hair, and she's slim. She can sing, she dresses like a natural model, and she has a brilliant mind with of course, good grades. What's more, she's not shy. She communicates well with others, and she plays sports. So she's the type of girl everybody wants to be hang around with. She's everything i'm not. I'm pale (not really, but fair), with shoulder-length dry hair. I put on weight so easily that i could just look at fried chicken and gain 5 pounds instantly. I dress and almost always look like a war refugee. I cannot do math or science to save my life, and i'm socially awkward. I stutter at times, and my best friend is a book, a sketch pad, a music player, and a camera. So you see, I've always felt less around my sister but of course i love her dearly(:

I've never been confident or satisfied with myself, i suppose my confidence level plummeted to a negative during my last break up with the boy i really fell for. Adding on, my dad and my friends said some really hurting words to me, albeit unintentionally. So you see, i hated myself. I never liked what i saw in the mirror cause i was too hypercritical with myself. I tried to be someone else, tried to imitate some tv characters that i loved. But one day i saw some quotes from Taylor Swift in the internet that went something like this: "If you keep trying to be someone else, sooner or later you'll run out of someone new to be." That got me thinking. There's a reason why i'm not made and created like my sister. My destiny is unlike that of my sister, that's why I don't behave like her. And then i thought, what if my destiny in life is plain and boring while my sister goes on to do something great like i know she would? But i thought, to hell with it. I have my own dreams, and every dream is made to be great. I'm going to make my life count for something, in my own way. We've all got an important lesson to learn, and it's this: Some people are going to say things to bring you down, that's bound to happen, but we've got to tune our ears and filter whatever we hear and receive. Let the good things come in and keep the bad out. That's the only way we can start to love. We've all got to learn to love and accept ourselves before we can start to give love to others. What can we give to others if we are just a bottle of bitterness and brokenness? 

You are not good enough to be the class chairperson. You are not pretty enough to be on a magazine cover. You are not smart enough to be in that A class. You don't have that capability to lead that group. People say things, words like arrows to attack our confidence and assertiveness, words that hurt us and bring us down. But think this: Who are they to say that to me? Why should i allow them to define who I am? I can protect my own heart and myself, and they are not going to hurt me unless i give them permission to. You see, you'll only become incapable and unintelligent if you listen to these careless words because you start to believe in it. So ultimately, the choice is yours. To fall like a house of cards, or to stand firm. 

It's not going to be easy, and i'm still trying to make it work myself. Baby steps are, still efforts. It don't matter how long i take to achieve this, what matters is what i achieve in the end. Go listen to Perfect by Pink. Whoever's reading this, you are still perfect to me.
"You're lucky enough to be different, never change." - Taylor Swift.

I've just had this really unpleasant conversation(well, not really a conversation since i did not say anything at all) with my parents, and now i've got this tsunami of thoughts crashing into my head so i just had to put it down.

First of all, i don't get my parents. I feel like we're on different pages, with this thick encyclopedia between us. I cannot get to them, and they cannot get to me. Second, I dislike Singapore. Not the places, not the food (of course), not the people but how the working industry in Singapore operates. Prerequisites are taking the place of people, certificates replacing character, experience and positions substituting dreams. An example of what i'm trying to say here is well, say you go for an interview and you get the job, congratulations, you are from then on a slave to the company. If you don't get the job and remains jobless, you are a burden to society and is better off begging in the streets. Simple enough.

I hate how as the world improves and upgrade, certificates, degrees, and diplomas are getting more and more important. These things are undeniably essential and vital yes, but they are supposed to help us lead a better life, not define who we are as a person. If i don't have a diploma or a degree, i am being looked down upon as a loser, and i would never amount to anything in life. I get boycotted by society. Just pondering over this made me wonder: in the midst of all these flurry and competition for higher positions in jobs and better education, where do our dreams stand?

Mum, where's your dream of becoming an athlete when you were sixteen? Daddy, how about your aspirations of becoming a big boss? I've heard so many stories of people jumping from job to job, looking for that perfect high paying salary while their dreams extinguish inside them. It's so sad, to see each individual's childhood aspirations turn gray and die as people begin the fight for that big salary, or that particular position. Every night, a mother comes home and ask "have you done your homework? How was your algebra test, and your spelling?". A father comes home later that night and says "Go to sleep, you have to wake up early for school tomorrow." How many mothers ask "how was your day, and how are you feeling dear?", which fathers pats their sons in the back and say "get up and dream! then go and make your dreams a reality." Suddenly all that matters is school, spelling, algebra tests, science projects, and literature read-ups. There's hardly any mention of dreams in a house anymore is there? i've always wanted to do music. Have since i was primary one, and still do. I wanted to go to Laselle to do music, but much to my disappointment, the first thing my parents did was question my choice. "I'm not trying to stop you from doing it, but you have to think about your future. What are you going to do after you come out from Laselle with a music cert? There's nothing for you to do!" I can still hear my mum say.I ended up having to compromise that dream. It's a sad thing for me, because that dream of mine has never stopped living. Even until now it hasn't, i'm living it out in my ministry. Parents, what are you compromising your child's dream for? Results, certs, high paying jobs? 

Looking into the future, fiercer competition for the seats of directors, supervisors, managers are going to come our way. Our generation will have to fight harder, go faster, upgrade quicker, for that rat race. It's a pointless pursuit really for something better and higher, because it will never be enough. I sure as hell don't want to live that way. I have a dream, and i'm going to do it. I'll even do it for life. There's so much more than just living each day for an hourly rate of five bucks for my part-time job, but at the same time there's something out there even greater than school that is going to reopen in 18 April. I'm going to pursue that i tell you. I'm not going to compromise, hell no. People needs to understand this: we would be fighting a useless and pointless battle if we are not fighting for our dreams. I feel and pity for the next generation. If i do have kids of my own next time, i'm going to tell my daughter "go and find your dreams, and live it!", and i'll tell my son "take those castles you built in the air, and make it into your own solid kingdom."

"life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams." -Ashley Smith.

 30 day challenge.  Day 2 (Your Crush): Uh currently none right now, haven't met anyone new(:
 
I AM SICK. AGAIN. DAMMIT. FULL STOP.
Hypophrenia: A feeling of sadness seemingly without a cause.

Lol this post has no meaning. yay me 8D

 

I really feel so. I've never been one who communicates well with others. I don't find myself being able to take the initiative to talk to someone and mingle around. i tried hard to, but it's uncomfortable. 

So many people have come up to me and ask, "hey why is it that you're always alone? I mean, go and talk to those new people!" Thing is, i love being alone. I like going out alone, eating alone, watching a movie alone, being in my own thoughts. I even like shopping alone. I'm not trying to appear "emo", neither do i wear all black to make myself seem gothic or anything but i enjoy the silence. I enjoy not having to say anything. I'm not saying that i dislike hanging out with my friends, going to movies with them. I like it, even love it. But sometimes i just find that the things we talk about to the people around us are all gossips, shallow words and sentences. Nasty things about someone we dislike or even hate, things that does not add any benefits to our lives, things that does not even touch our hearts. There are rarely any heartfelt sharing between our cliques because sometimes we just feel afraid of opening up, of pouring out our emotions and just letting people into our lives. We are all scared of showing people our raw selves because this world is all about being fashionable, being cool and speaking about cool but useless stuff on the outside, when what really matters is what we think and feel on the inside. It's being accepted into the "cool" crowd, the majority community. What people don't realize is that you could go on and on about how stupid Justin Bieber is but the real conversation only begins when you ask "are you really okay?".

There has been so many occasions where i talk non-stop about the latest "in" things but all i was hoping was for the person to ask me if i'm okay. Of course the question never came and slowly i started keeping things to myself. If someone were to ask me what's going on in my life, watch me pour out everything. My past, my present, even my dreams for my future. I believe in real conversations that starts you thinking about life. A lot of thoughts i have are not expressed to my friends or my colleagues. I usually keep them to myself, and spend plenty of time contemplating them. Somethings are just better left unsaid. When i try too hard to tell people about my thoughts, the words come out wrong and people misunderstand. Words are at times so insufficient to express our vast ocean of thoughts. That is why i prefer keeping to myself. I leave my thoughts with God to safe keep. I know He feels and hears them even if i don't speak. It's like sitting in a café with a really good friend, just sitting next to each other and not uttering a word, enjoying each other's presence and even the silence. It's not an awkward silence, but a silence of good friendship and knowing each other. 

There's no need at all to fill every silence with shallow words and chatter. At the end of the day whatever you say about the Jonas Brothers is not going to change how the world operates. Love them or hate them, they're still famous even if you don't understand why. I would love to go and live in some small corner of a quiet little town. Silence IS bliss, there is no other better words to express this.

x.

 my fingers are numb and i can't type and text properly. i don't like it. 

which nicknames have you given to your friends, and why? do they embrace them?: Toad for ah ming, doraemon for Sun chun and big head prawn for kevin. ah ming, he calls me cow-dung so you tell me about it. doraemon and big head prawn, they are just proud of their big heads. kevin's going to NS so he might be losing it soon. maybe.

30 day challenge:

Day 1 - Your best friend.
Day 2 - Your crush.
Day 3 - Your parents.
Day 4 - Your sibling (or closest relatives)
Day 5 - Your dreams.
Day 6 - A stranger.
Day 7 - Your ex boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush.
Day 8 - Your favorite internet friend.
Day 9 - Someone you wish you could meet.
Day 10 - Some you don't talk to as much as you'd like to.
Day 11 - A deceased person you wish you could talk to.
Day 12 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain.
Day 13 - Someone you wish could forgive you.
Day 14 - Someone you've drifted away from.
Day 15 - The person you missed the most.
Day 16 - Someone that's not in your state/country.
Day 17 - Someone from your childhood.
Day 18 - The person you wish you could be.
Day 19 - Someone who pesters your mind-good or bad.
Day 20 - The one who broke your heart the hardest.
Day 21 - Someone you judged by their first impression.
Day 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to.
Day 23 - The last person you kissed.
Day 24 - The person that gave you your favorite memory.
Day 25 - The person you know that is going through the worst of times.
Day 26 - The last person you made a pinky promise to.
Day 27 - The friendliest person you knew for only one day.
Day 28 - Someone that changed your life.
Day 29 - The person that you want to tell everything to, but is too afraid to.
Day 30 - Your reflection in the mirror.

Day 1: A lot to name but the ones that springs to mind are Jia Yi, Cheryl, and Shi Wei. They are not the ones i meet everyday but they are the ones i'd run to when i need a shoulder, a listening ear, plenty of advices and endless boxes of tissue. They are the ones who'd be there<3

Suddenly i realize something. You know how in my posts in 2010, the names mentioned are all my classmates and friends? while now they are all my colleagues and never my classmates anymore? This is just something trivial but i couldn't help but notice it. I guess its one of the signs that everything is changing. Seasons. People grow out of people, and move on. A season to another. Transitions. 
I'm not sure i'm ready for such a change of seasons but the world never stops spinning for you. Rain or shine, gotta face it. I'd probably fall like a house of cards but i'd pick myself up. Somehow. Just like how I kept breathing during heartbreaks. It'd come to pass because nothing lasts forever, remember?

You'll survive Kimie, you will.

 some people baffle me to no end. really they do. i just cannot, for the life of me, fathom why some people have to add in the f word in a perfectly normal sentence? for example, "can you people just stop touching my things?" pretty easy to understand right? the point is put directly across and the frustrated feeling intended is clear enough. yet people just have to say "can you fucking people just stop touching my fucking things?" does the meaning of the sentence change? NO.

why do people have to use the word in every single sentence they say? to show that they are frustrated, annoyed, angry and unhappy? seriously what are you, twelve? why can't you just put your unhappiness into normal english words instead of shooting out the word fuck like a bullet gun? so you're angry, but don't curse and swear like nobody's business because the world do not owe you anything. if i must say it again, the world do not owe you anything. whatever happened probably occurred because of a particular choice you made, or somebody was just being stupid with you. i can almost hear people saying "don't pretend and act all holy. people make mistakes, so don't judge." ha, consider this: saying the word once, okay probably a careless slip of your tongue. twice, fine you probably just don't learn fast and needs time to adjust. thrice and more, okay you are just being stupid and deliberate.
don't say that it's a mistake when it's clear as day that you know exactly what you're saying. or worse, you probably planned to put it in every sentence you say. seriously it only shows how limited your vocabulary is. you are only showing how you cannot make a firm stand or argument using proper english words. i'm not trying to prove how fuck is not an english word. it is, it's found in the dictionary. i'm just saying that it's rude. especially when you are speaking to someone, you're displaying how very crude you are as a person. i do know how saying the word can make you feel adult and superior and all grown up. but please, that's only when you're twelve. any older than that, you're just plain stupid and rude. honestly people, do you hear debaters using vulgarities at a debate? do you think debaters win just by hurling the word fuck at everybody? no, they speak proper words in proper languages. and their points are clear. 

i cannot understand how people can just let the word roll out of their tongues that easily because i can't. even looking through this post, the word sticks out like a sore thumb. so you want people to respect you? stop showing how uncouth you are, learn some manners, improve your vocabulary and it'll come naturally. don't try to earn it by attempting to show just how "adult and oh-so-grown-up"you are because all you're ever gonna get is a bad impression. okay so maybe now you're young, but let the habit stick with you and you'll find yourself old, fat, jobless and alone probably ten or twenty years down the road. go to the library and read some books. sure you'd find the word somewhere definitely but do you see it on every single sentence, every single page? no you don't. i'm not saying that i am a person with perfect english and eloquence. i do speak the word but i don't use it with every sentence i let out of my mouth. go learn some vocabulary and you'd find yourself being more capable in expressing your fury and unhappiness. go learn some vocabulary seriously. i repeat, vocabulary helps.

 

if you could shrink any animal down to miniature size and carry it around in your pocket, which animal would you choose?
A deer!! or an owl. hahaha some things just never change. but imagine a mini lion in my pocket, chewing off a piece of fabric. oh no, so adorable B)

i'm off work early again tonight, for the fourth time already, because my cough just won't go away. but i can't take any cough syrup because that causes drowsiness so heavy that i won't be able to focus on anything except sleep and my bed. i have an entire day to spare tomorrow so i think i'll head to town since there's 2 fleas around that area so i'm excited.
i just downed cough syrup, so sleep sounds yummy now. bye.